Ending Well

My third grader recently went through a tough transition at school.  The larger school system had a shortage of teachers and my daughter’s school was off on their projections for the year.  My daughter’s school had to reduce staff by one.  Her teacher was the newest hire and after almost six weeks into the school year, had to move to a different school pretty suddenly.  My daughter’s teacher was an amazing fit.  I could see this glow of kindness surrounding her upon meeting her at back to school night.  Over the course of about six weeks, my daughter really bonded with this teacher and was quite sad to hear the news of her quick departure.  I was really concerned for my daughter’s sadness and for all the kids in the class.  In a season often marked by beginnings, my daughter, her teacher and the entire school experienced an ending.

This experience brings up a very important topic…one that is so relevant for therapy and for life.  What does it look like to end well?  I watched my daughter’s school do this as beautifully as possible given the situation.  My daughter’s class had a community day where they acknowledged what was lost, shared feelings about their experience and even wrote letters to the new teacher and to their departing teacher’s new class.  The school allowed space for all of the students to have their feelings and the parents did the best we could to offer support to this precious teacher as she makes her own transition.   

We don’t always get the choice to end well and that may bring its own depth of grief, but when we do, how can we bring life to endings?  I think about this often in my life as a therapist.  In the office, how do I end sessions or seasons of sessions in a way that honors the therapeutic relationship and the growth that transpired.  At the end of a training recently, we were asked to share something we wanted to leave behind and something we wanted to take with us.  After completing this request, I felt a sense of closure that allowed me to more gracefully go back to my everyday life.  

Dr. Dan Siegel talks about the mind having 8 different domains.  As we recognize the significance and abilities of each of these domains we are more able to have a more integrated mind.  One of the domains is that of going from state to state.  Life brings constant transitions and it is important that we honor those transitions and take time to pause between them.  I am grateful that my daughter is able to have space to pause and to make sense of what has happened.  In his book Mindsight, Dan Siegel says “Having difficult experiences early in life is less important than whether we’ve found a way to make sense of how those experiences have affected us.  Making sense is a source of strength and resilience.  In my 25 years as a therapist, I’ve come to believe that making sense is essential to our well being and happiness”. 

Are you able to make sense of experiences and endings in your life? How do you end things, when given the choice?  What do you want to take with you, and what can be left behind?